Flashback
by Calico Star
Summary: After a difficult case, Ziva gets an unwelcome reminder.
1. Chapter 1

They had just finished a harrowing case. The kind that didn't leave a second for thinking of anything other than the next step, the next piece of information, the kind that barely left a few hours for sleeping never mind anything else. It explained why she had forgotten, when normally she would have had to fight to bury the thought of it for days before. At least that fight would have left her prepared for today, and there was no way she would have reacted as she did.

All she had wanted was to go home, soak in a bath for ages and crawl into bed. Not see anyone or speak to anyone for at least 48 hours. Unfortunately, there were still some reports to be finished, so she wearily logged onto her computer, knowing the others were similarly occupied and equally exhausted.

So, when the reminder popped up on her screen, she was completely unprepared. Memory washed over her like ice, and suddenly she was there again. The bullpen, her team, everything receded as she lived through the moment again and again. The sick feeling as she discovered the truth from his own mouth, the sharp report, the blossoming crimson patch, the shock in his eyes fading to nothingness. The anger, the pain, the numbness that had coursed through her then, filled her again.

She didn't know that a tiny gasp had escaped her. She didn't realize that Tony's head whipped up sharply at the sound, that he saw the blood drain from her face. She didn't hear him call out to her worriedly, or notice that this got Gibbs' and McGee's attention.

Gibbs took one look at her pallor and was on his feet, commanding McGee to get Ducky, and at her side within seconds. He took in the reminder on her screen, just the date, nothing more, but he realized what it meant.


	2. Chapter 2

"Damn it, Officer David!" he muttered. He pulled her chair away from the desk, forcing her to break her gaze from the computer screen. 

"Tony, shut the computer down, now!" he barked. Tony jumped, and moved to obey. He looked at the screen, then at Gibbs and Ziva, confused, but carried out his orders.

Gibbs swung the chair round to face him, kneeling down so he was eye to eye with Ziva.

"Ziva! Come on, look at me! Ziva!", his voice was commanding, but gentle, an underlying tenderness that along with his next words had Tony staring at him in disbelief.

"I'm sorry, I forgot what day it was. Maybe I could have ... I don't know. Come on, Ziva, come back. You're strong, you can do this."

Ducky bustled into the room, with his medical bag.

"What seems to be the problem, McGee wasn't very clear." He noticed Ziva then, still ashen, unmoving, but her eyes now locked on Gibbs. "Oh, my dear, what has happened to you?"

"I think she's in shock, Ducky. A flashback."

Gibbs started to move aside so Ducky could examine her, when her hand shot out and held onto his. There was finally some sign of lucidity in her eyes, although she was still as pale as ever and tiny tremors were running through her body.

"It's OK, my dear. He doesn't have to move away, just over to the side, so I can have a look at you." Ducky said soothingly, motioning Gibbs to remain and merely swinging the chair round slightly for access. "Now, Jethro says you had a flashback, nasty things aren't they. I remember one of my classmates at uni, when he came back from the war, he used to get them. Funny thing was, well, I'll tell you all about it later. Don't you worry, we'll have you right as rain in no time. Let me just check your pulse, ah yes, there you go. Now if one of these young gentlemen could get you a glass of water." He looked meaningfully over at Tim and Tony, and Tim handed him one. "Thank you. Now, my dear girl, you take this and drink the water, just small sips, no, you don't have to let go of his hand. Just you hang onto him, breathe as slowly as you can. It's OK, you're safe here."

She was now visibly struggling to pull herself together, fighting the tremors still coursing through her. Her grip on Gibbs was her lifeline, grounding her, pulling her out of the memories. His eyes were an anchor, a focus as she fought her way back to reality, allowing Ducky's rambling to wash over her, soothing her as she never would have expected.

As soon as Ducky signalled he was finished, Gibbs pulled her into his arms. Still shocky, she was also rapidly becoming embarrassed as she realized what had happened. She had broken down in front of everyone, her, Ziva, who was always cool, calm, collected, always in control.

As if he could read her mind, Gibbs whispered, "It's fine, Ziva. You're OK. And no-one here thinks less of you. They're worried, that's all. It's OK, it's gonna be OK."

The warmth of his body surrounding her was melting away the cold that had seeped into her bones, and finally the tremors had subsided to the occasional shiver. Suddenly she found herself so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. She barely noticed Gibbs' quiet orders, Ducky's list of instructions, or the way the guys jumped to obey, casting worried glances her way now and then, and by the time he picked her up and carried her out to the car, her only response was to snuggle into his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

She snapped awake suddenly, feeling something was wrong and automatically reached for her weapon. She searched her surroundings, she was in her own bed but in her t-shirt from the day before and her underwear, not her normal sleepwear. Apart from that everything looked normal. As her memory returned, she gave a muffled groan and threw herself back into her pillows. Damn! She lay there for a minute longer, replaying yesterday. She didn't remember anything after Gibbs holding her. The need for coffee forced her out of bed and towards the kitchen, pulling on some sweats on the way. 

A soft sound from the lounge had her on full alert again, and she made her way noiselessly to the doorway. The sight that greeted her made her relax completely and smile. She leaned against the door jamb just watching for a few moments. Gibbs and Director Sheppard were on the sofa, asleep. She had snuggled into his shoulder, feet curled up next to her. He had his legs stretched out in front of him, his arm wrapped protectively around Jen and his head resting on top of hers.

She enjoyed the peacefulness of the scene, and the sense of security it gave her. She had trusted her life to others, had known her fellow officers had her back when it came to completing their mission, but that was missions. This wasn't about a mission, this was people caring about her, this was about suffering a trauma and coming home to Mama and Papa and knowing they would enfold you in their arms and love you regardless. Family. Something she hadn't felt before. These people had somehow, despite having her thrust upon them at one of the worst times of their lives, drawn her into their family, decided that she belonged and protected her as such. It was a little overwhelming.

She turned quietly, to continue her aborted trip to the kitchen and coffee, when either the movement or some small noise she had been unaware of making, roused Gibbs. His eyes snapped open and locked on hers, a question forming immediately. She nodded, not really knowing what to say and not wanting to wake Jen. He nodded in response, then looked down at the woman resting against him, allowing a gentle smile to cross his face briefly at the sight of her. Jen though, obviously sensing the change in her pillow, woke, taking in the situation with a sweep of the room, ever the good agent. She sat up, evidently a little embarrassed at being caught sleeping on Gibbs' shoulder, but concern quickly clouded her features as she looked over at Ziva.

"How are you doing?"

She shrugged, "I'm fine." Catching Jen's eyes then looking down at her shoes, she continued, "Director, I apologise. It should never have happened at the work."

"Ziva!" Jen cut her off, "I am worried about you! That is more important right now. You know I am here for you if you want to talk. We want to help you, but we need to know what you need."

"But it will not happen again! It was just a bad combination of circumstances."

"And if it hadn't happened, we wouldn't have had an invitation to share cholent tonight?"

Her glare at Gibbs was enough of an answer his comment.

Jen's gaze was sharp as she watched the two of them glare at each other,.

"So you've not been sleeping?"

Ziva was reluctant to answer, but the look on Jen's face promised that she wasn't giving up anytime soon.

"It's not so bad anymore, mostly just anniversaries."

"Like Tali?"

"Yes."

"What was yesterday?"

She didn't miss the glance that Ziva and Gibbs shared. She knew these two had formed a bond, Ziva did not trust easily or often, but she trusted Gibbs. And she had been the one to get through to him after the coma. And this situation, he definitely knew more than he was telling.

"I think you should tell her."

"But .."

"I know what I said about secrets, but it's not really working for you, is it? You need to be able to talk to someone about it and Jen is really much better at that than I am. Besides, I think we can trust her, don't you?"

Gibbs' attempt at lightening the mood brought a smile to both Ziva and Jen's faces.

"OK, does one of you feel like telling me what this is all about then?"


	4. Chapter 4

McGee found his attention divided between the report he was trying to finish and watching Tony out of the corner of his eye. They had arrived this morning to the message that the Director wanted their case reports finished by the end of the day and then their team was on stand down for a week, as well as the fact that neither Gibbs nor Ziva would be in for the day. 

Tony had headed directly upstairs, only to find that the Director wasn't currently in the office. Annoyed, he had spent several minutes muttering, before switching on his computer. Since then he had alternated between frenetic typing and staring at Ziva's desk.

Tim was worried about Ziva, and wanted to ask Tony what he thought was happening, but he didn't want to risk Tony's sarcasm in his current mood.

"You know what Probie?" Tony's sudden question startled McGee, breaking the silence that had blanketed them.

"Tony?"

"We're investigators!"

"Yes, Tony." McGee was confused, but glad that Tony was finally talking.

"So, we investigate!"

"Yes, Tony."

Tony stood abruptly, and headed for forensics, motioning for Tim to follow him.

Tim quickly jumped to his feet, eager to find out what Tony had in mind.

They stormed into lab, Abby's music reaching them even before they opened the doors. Abby was glaring at her computer screen with a ferocity that should have melted the silicone and plastic into a puddle on her desk.

"Abs!" there was no response, "Abs!". Tony marched over and turned the music down to a level that conversation was possible.

"Abs! We need your help."

"Tony! Have you heard anything about Ziva? What's going on? Where's Gibbs? Please tell me, what's happening? What could be so awful to cause Ziva to freak out? I mean, Ziva!"

"It's OK Abs, calm down. We haven't heard anything, which is why we are here."

Abby tilted her head to examine him, then nodded firmly.

"What can I do for you, oh great Tony?"

"We need to do some research. On her screen, there was a reminder but it only had yesterdays date, nothing else. Can we search for anything that happened to Ziva on that date? I figure between you and McGee you should be able to hack her file, or something."

"Why thank you, Tony. Are you sure that's a good idea though? Won't she be angry?"

"Maybe, but I'll deal with that if it comes to that. This is something big, or she never would have reacted like that."

"Come on Tim. Let's do this!"

* * *

"It can't be. It just can't. It's not possible. No, I refuse to accept that, there must be something else." 

"There isn't anything, Abs. We've both been through everything. It's the only incident that fits!"

"Incident! Incident! That's not the word I would have used to describe it. Argh! I liked her! I mean, I know at first I didn't, I didn't trust her. But then I started to and I liked her and now what?"

"What's not possible?"

Abby flung her arms around Tony. Tim sighed and answered.

"The only thing we have found that fits the date is ..."

"Spit it out Probie!"

"When Gibbs killed Ari."

Abby felt Tony stiffen in her embrace, and tightened her hug.

"It's OK Abs. You can let me go now, while I can still breathe."

"Sorry Tony."

His face was stiff, unreadable, which proved to Abby how badly he was taking this. She knew how betrayed she felt, but that she was sure it had hit Tony even harder.

"So that's what this was about?"

"It looks like it." Abby pulled a face as she said it, not really wanting it to be true.

"She was his control officer."

"There must be something more to it. That was an emotional response. She's trained not to show emotion, she has dealt with more death than any of us. It's not about losing a colleague."

"So what? He was more to her than just part of her team, was what? A friend, a lover?"

* * *

"Anthony, my dear boy. What are you doing down here? Not that it's not good to see you, but I know you have no cases."

"I don't know what to do Ducky?" Tony looked more defeated than he had in ages.

"What's the matter? Sometimes talking about it can put a problem into perspective."

"It's Ziva. We were worried about her, so we looked into it, I mean we worked out that yesterday must be the anniversary of something that had happened, so we tried to find out what. But now, I don't know what to believe."

"You succeeded. And now you're not sure if you should have."

"The only thing McGee and Abby could find was Ari's death."

"And you are wondering why losing Ari would have such an effect on young Ziva several years later, and you are no longer sure that you can trust the basis of your friendship."

"I guess, I mean it's obvious that he must have meant more to her than just an agent. Sure, she hasn't done anything, but she is a spy, is she planning something, why is she really here? Can we really trust her?"

"She isn't a different person today from what she was yesterday."

"Nooo."

"What have her actions proved? If she had wanted revenge for Ari, she could have killed all of you several times over. Instead she has saved your lives on any number of occasions. Sure, there are things you don't know about her, including the nature of her relationship with Ari, but hasn't she proved her loyalty over and over."

"Yeah."

"Actually, that might help explain the flashback, at least in part."

"What do you mean, Ducky?"

"Well, by all accounts, she was there when he died. And especially if she did have the closer relationship that you believe, then she has never been able to mourn him properly. When you lost Kate, you might have felt alone in your pain, but you were surrounded by others mourning her, you had good memories to hold onto and to share. She truly was alone, no-one knew what he meant to her, and everyone around her was celebrating his death. Add to that the betrayal of finding out what he really was."

"And wait for the breakdown."

"The poor girl."


	5. Chapter 5

"This will go much better with coffee. Ziva, could you point me in the direction of your coffee maker." 

Ziva led Gibbs into the kitchen and pulled out the coffee, cups and other necessities. As he set the coffee machine to start, he asked quietly, "Would you prefer it if I left? If it would be easier for you ..."

"No, please stay." She really wasn't very good at finding the words for this, but she wished she could make him see that he had been there for her all this time, just his presence had been a support to her.

With a small twisted smile, he nodded and shooed her out the kitchen.

"You go and do whatever you need to do. Coffee will be ready in a few minutes and the Director will be finished with her phone calls."

Jen had used the time to call into the office, get her messages from Cynthia, letting her know to cancel this mornings meetings as she wouldn't be in and leaving messages for Tony and Tim about their reports and the downtime she was going to insist Gibbs' team took. By the time she was finished, a freshly brewed cup of coffee was placed in her hands.

"Ari Haswari."

Jen's concerned glance over at Jethro was pure reflex, wondering how he was going to react, but he was remarkably calm. Sighing to herself, she remembered that he knew what this was all about.

"Forgive me, Director, but I believe it will help to have some history. Ari was the son of an Israeli father and a Palestinian mother, the product of an affair. Whether it was planned from the time he heard about his son, or whether that came later after his wife gave him two daughters but no sons before dying, his father, a Mossad officer, started building what he believed would be his legacy. Here was the opportunity to create the perfect undercover agent to infiltrate Hamas. Tied by birth and family loyalty to Mossad, but the perfect reason to turn to Hamas in revenge for the apparent abandonment of a young boy and his mother. And so he was trained from a young age to become his fathers crowning glory. He was introduced to his half sisters, although they met only occasionally, but he seemed to enjoy the role of older brother. And they adored him."

Her smile was small, but fond.

"He always knew he wanted to be a doctor, wanted to help with the suffering that he saw day to day. He worked hard, and needed only a little help from his father to be able to study in Edinburgh. He loved it, loved everything he was learning, even the long hours as a resident couldn't get him down. When he got back to Palestine, he immediately threw himself into his work at the local hospital, as well as taking on the role he had been trained for by joining Hamas. He made his way deeper into the ranks and after a while his work for them became full time. Eventually, of course, that led to him coming to America on a mission, and him tangling with Gibbs and his team.

According to all the intel we had, he was still working as an undercover operative, still loyal to Mossad. I had been his controller for a while, and he never gave me any reason to suspect him. It turned out though, that his mother dying in a bombing, whether it was orchestrated by his father as he believed or was truly just a tragic accident, had turned his cover story into reality."

Her voice had become flatter and toneless as the story wound down. Somewhere during the telling, Ziva had caught hold of Gibbs' hand and clung on much as she had done the previous day. Knowing she needed the contact to ground her as she spoke of things she had probably never mentioned to anyone before, he held her hand, his thumb tracing soothing circles on her skin.

"It was only hearing him confess to Gibbs that forced me to accept that this man was no longer who I had believed him to be. There was no time to deal with that, no time for questions, because then he was preparing to kill Gibbs. He was going to shoot a man who didn't even have a weapon in his hand. I did what I had to do! I know that, and I would do it again. But when I looked down at him, a bullet hole from my gun in his forehead, all I could see was the boy who I had adored, who had played with me, the solemn teenager who had wanted to end the suffering of others, the son who had only wanted to make his father proud of him, the man who continued to love and protect his only surviving sister. I saw my big brother."

Jen gasped. Ziva focussed her attention on the carpet, not wanting to meet Jen's eyes, not sure what she would see there, censure or pride, pity or empathy. She tensed as Jen pulled her into her arms, unused to receiving comfort, especially through physical contact. She held herself stiff expecting Jen to pull away, but she didn't, embracing her gently but firmly, until Ziva finally relaxed against her.

Jen met Jethro's eyes over the dark curls, noting that he hadn't let go of her hand either. Sky on minted hazel, the exchange of thoughts and feelings clear, the emotions intense. Happiness, gratitude, pain, sorrow, pity, concern. What could comfort Ziva? She couldn't help but be thankful that she had saved Jethro's life that day, but the personal cost had been enormous. Ziva had been betrayed by what had to be one the closest people in her life, but not only that, she had been placed in a situation by him that had forced her to choose between love and right, between family and strangers, forced her to take his life.

"Oh Ziva, I am so sorry." Though she would not cry in front of others, in the safety of Jen's arms she was able for the first time to begin mourning, allowing her memories to wash over her. They stayed like this for a long time, Jen's soft, soothing murmurs the only things heard in the silence.

As Ziva pulled herself together again, and sat up, Jen motioned to Gibbs that a refill might be in order. Once he was out of the room, she made sure she caught Ziva's eyes before saying softly,

"Please remember two things, firstly, thank you. Thank you for saving Jethro! I wouldn't ..." she shook her head not finishing her thought, "Thank you, I know now how much it cost you. I can't be sorry about what you did, but please know that I am really sorry that it had to be you that did it. And secondly, please feel free to talk to me about Ari, whether it is the good memories or the bad."

At Ziva questioning look, she continued, "You have a right to your happy memories. What he did later does not invalidate your early memories of him."

As Gibbs returned to the room, her next words were for both of them. "The team is on stand down for a week. I don't want to see either of you back at the office before then, am I clear?"

"Yes, Director."

"Crystal, Jen."

She didn't believe for a second that that was the last she would hear about it from Jethro, but at least he was appearing compliant in front of Ziva.


	6. Chapter 6

Tony had passed on Ducky's observations to the team but they still found themselves nervous as they waited for Ziva on their first day back, not knowing what was true made it all too easy for imagination to run riot. 

Ziva was embarrassed as she remembered how she had left here a week ago in Gibbs' arms but walked in head held high. She noted the wariness in Tony and McGee's greetings, carefully hidden by their genuine concern. She figured it was probably because they were uncertain as to her reaction and also any possible repercussions in the field, knowing they would have to rely on her to cover them under fire. It was a natural consideration, one she herself would have had.

Abby had been at her desk waiting to welcome her back with a coffee and a hug but even she had been subdued and had quickly excused herself on the basis of work.

* * *

"Yes."

"Coming."

Gibbs' phone conversation was short and to the point as always. As he rose, all three of them tensed in preparation for orders but he made his way to the rear elevators without any instructions to them. They exchanged glances and shrugged.

"Ducky."

"Ah, Jethro. Nice to see you back."

"Yeah. What's up Duck?"

"You have a good team Jethro. All good investigators in their own right and you have trained them well."

"I know."

"And they were all concerned for young Ziva. I believe everyone has grown rather fond of her."

"And?"

"They attempted to find the reason behind Ziva's unfortunate flashback in an effort to understand and help."

"Oh?"

"They came up with a possible answer."

Gibbs just looked the next question.

"Ari."

* * *

"David, with me!"

Gibbs didn't slow as he marched past Ziva's desk, and up the stairs towards the Director's office. Ziva scrambled to follow him, as Tony and McGee looked on in puzzlement.

Passing Cynthia with a query of "She in?" but not waiting for an answer, Gibbs barged into Jen's office.

"Congratulations Jethro! You've been back all of, what, 20 minutes before bursting in here?"

"The team has been doing some investigating of their own."

It took her only a few seconds to pick up his train of thought, and she glanced over to Ziva, who was also making the connections.

"You trained them well!"

He grimaced slightly.

"Yeah!"

"How much do they know?"

"They have got as far as Ari."

"They are good. So the question is, what now?"

"So, we tell the truth, some version of the truth or ignore it and hope it goes away."

They both turned to Ziva.

"This is going to have to be your choice."

"Unfortunately, they know just enough to be dangerous." Gibbs added.

"So ignoring it won't work. The truth?"

"Only as much as they need to know. For your own safety, the only people who need to know that you pulled the trigger, are here in this room. A single NCIS agent acting in response to the death of one of his agents may be a target, but not a high value one. As an individual Mossad officer, without your normal support network, on loan to an American agency, you are more likely to be perceived as a relatively easy target. Then there is the possibility of repercussions from within Mossad. After all, are you sure your father truly believes that Ari was a traitor?"

"I made my report, but I couldn't say how much of it he accepts to be true."

"We stick with the official version of what happened."

The Director accepted their decision with a nod and picked up her phone.

"Cynthia, could you call Agents DiNozzo, McGee, Ms Sciuto and Dr Mallard up to my office immediately please."

* * *

Gibbs and Jen moved to flank Ziva, a silent show of support as they waited for the rest to arrive.

"It has come to my attention that you guys have been doing some digging into Ziva's personal history." The Director's tone was enquiring, friendly but with an undertone of steel.

"I asked them to help. We were all concerned and wanted to do something." Tony decided to brave the possible wrath.

"What do you know?"

"We were trying to find out if last week was the anniversary of something that might cause that bad a reaction from Ziva," he shrugged apologetically at Ziva, "and the only date we were able to come up with was the day Ari was killed. Obviously we know she was his controller. We don't know any more than that."

Curious glances were cast Ziva's way but none had the nerve to actually ask the question. They didn't miss the protective stances of both the Director and Gibbs.

"He was my brother."

"But .."

"My half-brother."

"Ziva, I'm sorry."

"Ziva!"

"Oh my dear."

The exclamations of surprise rang out around the room. Sympathy showed in several pairs of eyes as each processed the thought of what it would have meant to have seen your brother die in front of you.

"Gibbs killed your brother!"

She carefully did not glance over at Gibbs as she nodded in reply to Abby's query.

Abby stalked over to stand in front of Ziva, her face serious, hands fisted at her sides.

"Do you want to kill Gibbs?"

Ziva's eyes flew to meet Abby's, shocked at the accusation. She didn't even notice the horrified gasps echoing round the room.

"No, never!"

The sincerity of the statement was clear.

Abby grinned and hugged her hard.

"Good!"

"Damn, Abby! You can be really scary sometimes, you know that!" Tony's comment brought forth a few chuckles and dispelled most of the tension as he and Tim moved around her to Ziva.

Ducky gave her time with her teammates before stepping forward.

"You know my dear, family, history and training play a major role in making us who we are, but they are not nearly as important as what is in here." He tapped her chest, above her heart. "And you, Ziva, have proved you have a good heart."

She surprised herself as much as anyone else by throwing her arms around him. And if his jacket was a little damp after she let him go, well that was between the two of them.

Gibbs and Jen had moved aside once it was clear this meeting would go well, allowing the team time to connect with one another. They were leaning side by side against the windowsill watching the scene before them.

"You've built quite a family there, Jethro!" Jen said quietly, eyes on the group.

He looked down at her with a small smile crinkling the corners of his mouth and something like contentment in his eyes. He shifted subtly closer so his actions couldn't be seen and brushed his fingers along her arm. Willpower kept her from melting against him, but she couldn't restrain all of the shiver that ran through her at his touch.

"They're gonna be OK."

Ziva caught Ducky's attention and flicked her eyes to the pair at the window. He followed her gaze and took in the quiet moment between them. With a tiny grin he turned back to Ziva and just before they joined in the conversation again, whispered for her ears only, "They're going to be OK.".

* * *

AN: Well that is it for this ride! Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. No plans for a sequel unless something jumps out and bites me. 


End file.
